(Names changed to protect the guilty and innocent alike)

All About Chad

A Westminster Choir College graduate
With a Master’s in Library Science
Chad arrived from New Jersey in 2002
To take on the choir at St. Vitus
 
As dean of the Eastern New York AGO
From festival choirs and committees
To workshops and freelance and overseas trips
He kept himself frightfully busy
 
Loves chocolate chip cookies (and ate all the brownies
Our dear Sister Sarah would make)
Visits to Disney, posting on Facebook
The many fun pictures he takes
 
He’s partial to kitties, despite getting scratched
Which caused him to get an IV
And if he’s delayed, well, we’re quite used to that
A timeliness issue has he
 
With dry sense of humor, he deals with the problem
Of keeping the back row in line
And his facial expressions are fun to behold
When his mic stand collapses each time
 
The tactics he uses at practice are strange
With first an exhale then a sigh
After he’s had us all hooting like owls
Though somehow we never ask why
 
And next he doth cause all our lips to vibrate
With a vvvvv and a zzzzz and a rather rude bbbrrrr!
Then it’s on to the consonants puh---tih---kah!
And a tongue-twisting ffff---sss---shhhh!
 
And then he starts in with the questions
In fifteen long years they don’t change!
“What shall I say today?” “Where shall I go?”
As he works on extending our range

And when it comes time for rehearsing a hymn
He’ll exclaim that our R’s sound like pirates
Or our vowels are from Johnstown, “Don’t point East & West!
Mouths round!  North and South are the best!”
 
When teaching us anthems, he’ll start from the back
Work his way to the front, like Chinese
And sometimes he’ll give us a multi-choice quiz
Though the answer is usually B
 
‘tween quips from M C and guffaws from J
And D seeking clarification
He’ll chide the male sections for Crosby-like swoops
And musical re-gurgitation
 
Meanwhile, the ladies are sounding quite flat
When descending a scale.  “Now, girls,
Sing through your foreheads, on top of the note
Like divas in black dress and pearls.”
 
And so it continues with, “No Ethel Mermans!”
“Tammy Faye eyebrows,”  “Sing out, Louise!”
“Keep up the energy,” “Paddle like ducks,”
“Why’s nobody looking at me?”
 
“Sit up,” “Don’t slouch,” “Draw it out but don’t breathe,”
And “Softer does not mean go slower.”
“Raise up your palates,” “Sing it on nooo,
While attempting to hear one another.”
 
From the hitching of pants to the gesturing arms
The abuse we’ll miss also, it’s true
But hope with his leaving we’ll never again
Sing that difficult Psalm 92!
 
And if he should take on a Florida choir
Where they move real slow and speak with a drawl
Perhaps he’ll remember the gang at St. Vitus
And wish he were back with us all!

Birthday Poem

Oh, Mamie's turning 40
And a very fine 40 she'll be
To boost her mood regarding her age
We'll feed her flavored coffee

She started as receptionist
At Biddle Boddle Law
And used to work with Susie at
The Peter Harris store

Our Mamie likes an Irish tune
She often sings at work
'bout things that may have pissed her off
Or someone's been a jerk

Or she and Smithy jingle sing
To cartoon Sponge Bob Squarepants
Sir Elton John delights her, and
For books she reads romance

One year while dining out in Maine
Her father caused to squirt
A juicy ripe tomato on
The front of Mamie's shirt

Now Mamie has a family
She bore two darling sons
And husband Ted would quite agree
She's one fantastic mom

We hear she's fond of wrestling
And can be quite a shopper
A Pampered Chef consultant, you
Should see her with the chopper!

And while she's great at cooking
Dirty dishes make her sigh
She doesn't like to use the phone
To order pizza pie

Yes, Mamie's not without her quirks
For though she seems quite sane
She called her childhood froggy pet
A dead composer's name

And Mamie has a fetish passion
Rosebuds are her thing
She sees a rose and just can't wait
To stick her fingers in

It isn't quite a World Fair trip
We've heard she'd like to go
But hope this party's just as fun
With folks who love her so!